Randomly found this in my drafts

"I consider love to be a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being "in love" has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. I want to have it, to feel it, I want the two of us to have roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom fall from our branches we would find that we were one tree and not two. I want to feel this and I do not want to accept something less."

~ Louis de Bernieres

***Also there was a post titled "How to make friends in a bar" with nothing written in the body. Apparently I lost my train of thoughts or just realized I had absolutely no advice on the subject.

When Love isn't Enough.

Something kind of scary happened recently and I realized that it isn't enough to just love someone.
I'm a big believer in showing my feelings, rather than stating them(or I suck at saying what I'm feeling so I simply hope it comes through.)
But it isn't enough sometimes.
You need to tell people you love them. And often.
Cause one of the worst things in the world is sitting around wondering how other people feel. Or thinking that no one cares. Cause there is almost always someone who does. Despite how it may feel.

My Mom said this to me "Nothing bad has ever come from letting someone know you care."
(I'm not completely convinced but I think its good advice).

So here it is: To all of y'all let it be known: I love you. (Even those I don't know)

Halloweekend

So I have this theory about Halloween. You know how everyone thinks New Years is all overrated, too much hype when its simply another night where you get drunk but there is added pressure and whatnot. I find New Years isn't usually like that for me because I have super low expectations so I generally have a better time than I expect.

Halloween is my New Years. I always think its going to be super awesome, but really its generally like every other night but with costumes. So I probably have to work on my expectations blah blah blah.

This year I found to be especially lame, perhaps because my holiday buddy wasn't here(TYLER I MISS YOU!). The Friday night sorority party was ok, but I was working the next day so I didn't drink and I left super early. I do think it was pretty fun tho, and there was excellent snacks and lots of fun picture taking. But I had strangely high hopes for Saturday.

I had invited the neck wrecker to go with me and he cancelled at the last minute because he had to get up early the next day(which is reasonable but for some reason sent me into a spiral of self doubt). Anyways I was disappointed, which I hate to admit. And I then proceeded to get shitty drunk but luckily managed not to do anything too stupid like text him but only mildly stupid. And I had a wicked bad hangover the next day.

My basic point is I probably have been obsessing about this boy too much and I really need to stop. I just need to focus on what's going on in my life(which is A LOT, I did my first paid film gig today :D). So I'm just going to let things unfold as the may and switch my obsessing to school and film related things. Cause I should be freaking out about this month but I haven't been so far.(I'm directing a short I wrote in like 2 weeks,super scary.)

This was rambly. And long. And probably not that coherent. But now y'all know what being in my head is like :).  Hypothesis here: If I get lower expectations of Halloween it will end up being better.

One of the MOST Awkward events that have ever happened to me.

So. This is a sex story. So skip it you aren't into such things.

So I would say I have been dating the neck wrecker for awhile now. We started sleeping together mid July, not sure when the actual dating began haha. Point being that we've been hanging out fairly frequently.

We are both weird and awkward. So that's good I guess. He actually said " I'm always thinking I'm weird but then I remember you're weird too." Which sums up how I generally feel as well.

Anyways. Awkward story.

My birth control has been being weird, as I just switched prescriptions. So I have been spotting. Which wasn't an issue during the week as the neck wrecker is working in Moncton. But the weekend comes along and the spotting had been stopped for a couple of days so I figured I was fine. So he came over and we hung out and what have you. And we had sex that night and then again in the morning and everything was fine. And were just laying around the next day and we've been talking about going to eat forever but we hadn't. It was a nice leisurely day. And we then realize that the roommates had left so we start to have sex again( I know it seems like a bit much but had been like a week). But then someone came back and we stopped having sex for a minute and I realize then that I HAD BLED EVERYWHERE. It was the worst thing ever(I'm not necessarily against period sex, but you want advance notice.) Anyways he was really cool about it and I was super awkward and apologized about a million times. Apparently we're even for the neck hickey thing now.

I have a theory living with a girl who isn't on birth control is overpowering my weak birth controlled hormones.

Because of this awfulness, but the not freaking out on his part has lead me to think he might actually be my boyfriend(I'm not quite ready to admit it Whitney haha).

WORST TIME EVER.

Life Update

This should be a novel because I never post and therefore the people who only read this were left on a bit of a cliff hanger.

-I haven't taken any drastic risks. Not my style I guess. I'm still trying to be braver though. Doing things even when they scare you is good. I just happen to be afraid of quite a few irrational things.

- The neck wrecker is still hanging around. He hasn't brutalized my neck since that first time, so that's good. He was also quite apologetic about the whole neck wrecking situation. So we've been hanging out for like 2 months. I don't really know if its going anywhere or what but I don't really care(Well maybe a little bit, but only cause my friends sort of freaked me out about it.)  Also the first guy I was talking about turned out to be a douche so the whole neck situation turned out to be a good preventative thing. Its weird how things work out like that sometimes.

- I moved! Its awesome. My new place is much quieter and generally safer feeling and just brighter and nicer in general. Although we have a mouse. I'm struggling between wanting to name it and wanting to kill it. What I'm really hoping is that is was just passing through and that it doesn't really live here. But I'm pretty sure there is a Sex and the City episode about how that is probably not true.

- School is on break! Am I ever relieve. With school and work and trying to have a social life I was getting quite busy. Even this week has been busy, although I am technically on break. Today is the first day I've really lazed around, but I'm doing other stuff in a bit so it won't be the whole day anyways. If you want to see my school endeavours check out our youtube page:http://www.youtube.com/user/SquigglyBirdFish . I make a fool of myself in more than one video.

- I'm going home next week, for my 2nd week of vacation. I find this very exciting because feeding myself and generally being a responsible poor student is hard. And I feel like baking but I don't really have a ton of baking supplies here. And I get to see my family! And my pets! So that's probably the best part.

Here are some pics of my new room(Surprise, Surprise it looks alot the same as my old room)

I would say this is the cleanest my room will ever be, but its about this clean right now because of the mouse. I didn't want it making a nest in the giant pile of clothes that is usually on my floor.

Risk

Via Pinterest(I'm not sure where turns out I didn't pin it I just save it to my Computer)

It was pointed out to me today that I'm not much of a risk taker. And while this shouldn't have come as a shock to me it did. Because I kind of thought I take a fair amount of risk. I mean I live in the ghetto pretty much. And I once moved to a new city all alone. That was risky. And I walk home at night by myself a fair amount(usually I run, but that is cause I am cray cray). On occasion I have stayed alone in a house. I go on rollercoasters.

But since I moved back to my University town to pursue my 2nd degree, I take basically no risks on a day to day basis. I'm a coward. I almost never speak up if its something that could potentially cause me to get hurt. I can't remember the last time I really made myself vulnerable to another person, that I didn't implicitly already trust, like my family. 

The sad part is I'm pretty sure I've always been this way, with a few exceptions. And that is a pretty sad thing. Even publishing this is the ballsiest thing I will have done in awhile. 

Coward. That sucks. Maybe its time to change.Because I'm sure I've read on pinterest or such that its worse to regret stuff you were too afraid of then to get hurt? Damn pinterest. Put that mirror away.

I am the WORST.

So I woke up on Graham st, with this monstrosity on my neck. And I'm going to a wedding tommorow. And to work. And generally out in public.And that boy that I kind of like? Well he has been away for two weeks and is getting back this weekend. And the person that wrecked my neck is one of his comedy friends. And I'm making a documentary that involves the neck wrecker. I have create one great big messy/awkward situation for myself.

Can I say I'm self sabatoging now?

I really have no idea why I did it. I blame the 75$ bar tab we won at trivia.

Definitely part of my mid 20s crisis.

Summer Vacay

Since I am a year round student(LAME), I only have a week of summer vacation but so far it has been pretty awesome. Here is what I've done so far:

1. I went on a artsy nature retreat thing. I felt unsure if this would be fun and almost skipped out on it. But it turned out to be pretty fun, even though it rained the entire time. The age range was from 14 to 25, with me being on the old end. But one of my good school friends went too and the guy we drove with ended up being super cool so it ended up being pretty fun. We stealth drank and went swimming in the rain. 


2. After the retreat(it was only a day and a night) we, Stefan(the school friend) and Dakota(the new driving friend) decided to go to hopewell rocks. It was pretty funny cause we were all like "Yes we just decided to go on vacation with strangers, its the best." And the rocks are pretty cool. I was fairly hungover and then I RAN INTO MY EX AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY. It was pretty weird actually cause what are the chances of that happening. And that is a slight exaggeration. I actually got a text from the ex being like "This may sound weird but are you at hopewell rocks?" to which I replied "Yes, are you?" and he was like "Yup I guess I'm can recognize you from behind." To which I made a joke about him following me. I kind of assumed he'd be there with friends too for some reason, and that we'd cross paths cause he was apparently behind me. I didn't while on the rocks so I thought I'd gotten away with not talking to him actually. And then we went to the gift shop where I spotted Him and his family from afar. And then I informed my friends we needed to leave haha. But even if they did see me, I was with two boys so I win probably.


3. I then went home! And hung out with my family! And went swimming in a waterfall! And bought some ugly ass steal toed shoes for my new job! 


4. We also had pancakes and bacon and regular cake for my up coming B-Day.


5. I decided I'm excited for turning 25. I think its going to be a good year.

Something New

So we went for a walk.
He brought his dog.
His dog peed on my floor.
Do y'all remember Camp Caribou? Cause I didn't.
I was awkward.
But he kissed me goodnight, and I'm still thinking about it.
And then my roommate proceeded to make fun of me for hours.


Also my semester is over and I am super pumped! Whoop whoop a week for summer vacay.(This is actually the worst.) Excited for the new semester, we're going to be making a web series Soap Opera. Should be awesome.

Now I must get back to watching Beauty and the Beast in the middle of the day, just because I can.

Weekend Fun

This weekend I let myself have a completely off weekend aka zero film stuff. Which was fantastic.(Minus the fact that now have many things to do this week. But I'm not freaking out.)

Friday I got to see my Best Buddy Jojo. Which I'm always happy about, cause I miss her like crazy! We went to a bachelorette which was also lots of fun cause I got to hang out with some lovely ladies I haven't seen much lately.

Since I got drunk on friday I was not planning on drinking saturday. But I was going to a comedy show that my roommate B was performing in, and one beer quickly spiralled into many beer.

So there is this comedian friend of B's that I always flirt with. He is kind of a dick but in a way that I find really hilarious if that makes any sense. Anyways another kind of friend, a friend I only hang out with in this particular environment, had previous slept with him so I felt kind of weird about the whole flirting thing. But then of course I got drunk, which lead to very flirty behaviour that I am embarrassed to write about.

So the whole drunken thing kicked in and I decided that I very rarely kind of like boys, and he seemed to also be into the whole flirting thing, so I did the terrible friend thing and made out with him, then took him home. NOT TO HAVE SEX. Which was different for me. Cause I was all like " I'm not having sex with you" and he was all like "ok" and then didn't push it at all! Which is weird, unexpected boy behaviour  I thought at least. So then we hung out till like 3 yesterday and it was all very fun. I think I might kind of like him.

BUT I FEEL SO BAD. I am never a bad friend(in the boy sense). The last time I went for a boy that my friend even kind of liked was in GRADE 10 WITH NIGEL. And I was with him forever so I stopped feeling bad about it. And that friend had just liked him. But I'm not that good of a friend with her. SO MUCH GUILT. And my only justification now is that I was drunk. TELL ME I'M NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON!